Transcripts from #TheInSite
on
chat.talkcity.com
Conference: When Love Turns Violent
The following transcript was recorded on
28th October, 1997
with Wendy Seiden, esq., Attorney
©1997-2024 Electric Eggplant
Log file opened at: 10/28/97 5:58:19 PM
LilyCCC: ***************************************
LilyCCC: Welcome the TheInSite!
LilyCCC: "When Love Turns Violent"
LilyCCC: Out Guest: Wendy Seiden, esq.
LilyCCC: Our Topic: What are your rights in an abusive relationship?
LilyCCC: Welcome Wendy!
LilyCCC: ****************************************
Wendy: Hi!
LilyCCC: Wendy...do you have any open comments to make??
Wendy: I am an attorney. I have work with teens in confronted with relationship violence San Francisco since 1993
Wendy: I can't give legal advice over the internet today, but I hope that I can provide some general information regarding options for young men and women involved in violent relationships. The important thing to remember is that you DO have rights, and you don't deserve to be abused.
LilyCCC: Thanks Wendy...great to have you here!
TISPhreak: yes Wendy, glad you could make it :o)
Wendy: You deserve to be treated with respect by the person you are involved in a relationship with.
TISPhreak: true
Wendy: This is a safe environment. I know this is a tough thing to talk about.
TISPhreak: Wendy, yes it sure can be
Wendy: Any question is a good question
TISPhreak will be keeping a list....please be patient :o)
Wendy: What your rights are even if it's not about you but about a friend of yours.
LilyCCC: Wendy....what is the most common misconception that teens have about their rights??
Wendy: Lily, I think the most common one is that they believe they HAVE no rights. In the US, it depends on the state. In many states
rad7: been in an abusive relation ship. restraining order and everything. he almost killed me. It lasted a year. That was enough.....
Wendy: a teen has a right to get a restraining order against a boyfriend or girlfriend who's being abusive
LilyCCC: Wendy..why do they feel they have no rights??
TISPhreak: Wendy, they do?
bluelight: yes a teen does have rights
Wendy: In some states they need an adult to go with them to court. In almost all states and cities there are agencies that can help teens.
Wendy: Lily, I think teens generally feel they have no rights, because they are told what to do by adults- their parents, teachers in school- and it's often confusing as to who to trust and what to believe, especially when teens are involved with adults in relationships they often feel like they don't have the power.
LilyCCC: Wendy, how often it that the case? Teens involved with adults?
Wendy: Sometimes teens feel like they don't want to exercise their rights because they don't want their business spread around, but it's important to remember that their safety comes first, and that your body is your body and you have the right to protect it.
LilyCCC: Wendy....if a teen is involved with an adult, do her rights equal his?
Wendy: Lily a teen has a right to safety...and respect... whether she's involved with a teen or an adult, and if a teen is being abused, a teen can go to the police or get a restraining order, regardless of who the partner is. in some states the adult would be prosecuted possibly subject to harsher penalties than an abusive teen.
ben: every has a right to feel safe
LilyCCC: Wendy..what does one hve to do to get a restaining order??
Wendy: Lily... re: restraining order it depends on the state in which you live in most big cities you can find a hot line or a restraining order clinic or a legal aid offer
ztime: abusive people should be shot
TISPhreak: Wendy, that's a good point
Wendy: they'll help you get one! Look in the Yellow Pages or Blue Pages or United Way hot line for a referral. or call legal services for children
ztime: There is no excuse for a man to lay a hand on a lady
HawkTIS: Or the other way around ztime, if the woman is the abuser
ztime: Correct. I had a friend who got married when she was young and her husband was a wife beater so I called a friend who worked in INS and had him deported
Jade14: WHOA!
LilyCCC: Wow ztime...did she have help?
Jade14: Can you really do that?
ztime: she me. yes. I helped her
Wendy: Ztime.... it's important to listen to the person who is being abused and respect them, because THEY need to make the decision about staying or leaving. it's important that they be supported, whatever their decision.
HawkTIS: What would be the punishment if an abuser went to court and was convicted?
Wendy: Hawk, it depends on the state and what the abuser did
Wendy: and it may depend on the age difference between abuser and victim.
cute_guy: Life in prison Hawk, thats what I think
LilyCCC: Wendy, not every abuser is proscuted, correct? Often getting the woman out is all she wants. How much protection does a restraining order offer?
Wendy: Fionna, you want to talk about it?
Fionna: oh- I'm not upset, it was a long time ago
Wendy: Lily, you're right, not every abusier is prosecuted. In some states the prosecution needs the assitance of the victim it depends on the state and the kind of abuse.
Wendy: Also, a restraining order is just a piece of paper. It's not a body guard, and getting a restraining order can sometimes put a person in more danger when they're getting one.
Wendy: It's important to have a safety plan while you're getting the restraining order, and this may include staying in a shelter for battered women. So staying with a friend or relative that the abuser doesn't know, making sure someone is with you at all times letting someone know where you're going and when you'll be back knowing how to leave a place safely and having important belongings available if you have to leave quickly and being ready and willing to call the police if the abuser tries to bother you. Often the abuser will try to win you back, with apoligies and flowers when you try to get
LilyCCC: I remember after I got mine, I was never more scared. Wendy, excellent advice!
Wendy: a restraining order, and say that they're NEVER do it again A restraining order CAN be effective,
TISPhreak: Wendy, yeah....they ALWAYS seem to say they'll never do it again
Wendy: usually as effective as the person it's against respect for the law. If they don't mind being sent to jail it's not going to be as effective.
LilyCCC: I got so many flowers. The restraining order stopped the floral deliveries....LOL!
Wendy: If the abuser has a job or a reputation in the community, it might be enough to let them know that you can fight back, and they can't abuse you any more. it also depends on the court and police response in the community where you live.
LilyCCC: TISPhreak: Wendy, since things vary from state to state in the USA, and worldwide for that matter....how would you suggest we make sure of our rights and of those around us?
Wendy: that was a long one, sorry! But important info.
TISPhreak: lol Wendy, thanks
LilyCCC: Wendy, thanks!
Lindy18: something I am glad I have never experienced
Wendy: You're lucky Lindy!
LilyCCC: Lindy...very!
TISPhreak: Wendy, since things vary from state to state in the USA, and worldwide for that matter....how would you suggest we make sure of our rights and of those around us?
Lindy18: thank you wendy. are you lucky?
Wendy: TISPhreak, most states have lobbying organizations that work to change the laws to protect women, young women and young men against abuse by a dating partner. And you can probably get involved with one of those to change the laws.
Lindy18: is everyone here abused?
TISPhreak: that's a good suggestion for all of us Wendy
froinden: I was abused. It hurts to talk about it
Wendy: In the US, Call the AVA Commission on Domestic Violence in Washsington DC or the National Association against Domestic Violence there's also a teen center in Denver, Colorado
LilyCCC: Wendy, can a person get a protection order from emotiona abuse, or must there be physical violence?
TISPhreak: Lily, that's a GREAT point
Lindy18: froinden get out of the relationship. that is totally wrong
Wendy: froinden, do you want to talk about it? This is a safe place.
LilyCCC: Froiden..we really want to help..please type in a ? and we will call on you!
froinden: I dunno, theres a lot of teens in here, I wouldn't feel confortable
Wendy: Lily, it depends on the state in California, you can get a restraining order if there's a reasonable fear of physical violence.
LilyCCC: froiden..know you are not alone...I was abused too...for many years.
Wendy: It's important to remember that emotional abuse can often lead to physical abuse. Other warning signs of abuse in a relationship : If one of the partners is very controlling- wants to know where you are and with whom all of the time, is very jealous or wants to keep you from your friends and family memebers
Lindy18: Why dont you guys just get out of the relationship?
Wendy: Lindy it's very difficult to get out of an abusive relationship often the abused person feels like they have no options they may be fearful of more abuse if they leave they may have no where to go they may be financially supported by the abuser they may be worried about losing their children if they leave,
ztime: some people are not as luckey as others. They have no one to turn to, or they feel scared, and the abuser makes them feel likes its their fault
TISPhreak: Wendy, there sure is a lot to consider
Wendy: or they may not realize that they deserve to be treated differently so you see Lindy, it's not just that simple
Lindy18: yes
Wendy: It's often more helpful as a friend to provide support and help them get into support groups and counseling, and put together an escape plan and support them as they try to seek safety
Reitz: Definitely recommend a third party to help. do you understand, Lindy?
Lindy18: yes
ztime: ok like I said before, the abuser usually makes the person feel its their fault, so the abusee feels guilty and doesnt want to talk about it and seek help. But the thing to remember is usually someone who abuses has a very low self esteem and is basically a wimp. I helped my friend out of this one- its a shame I cant help more people out.
LilyCCC: ztime...very good point...there is a lot of shame.
TISPhreak: ztime, you can't do it all alone *sigh*
ztime: But if anyone out there is listening and your in a abusive realtionship. Dont be ashamed, and tell a friend. You'll find out that a real friend will help you out. They might not have the connections that I have to get someone deported, but they can still help in other ways ztime... you might want to volunteer at a local agency for abused women in your community.
LilyCCC: ztime.....anyone can unwimp....just takes courgage and support!
TISPhreak: Lily, that's easier said than done unfortunately sometimes :o(
Wendy: Great advice, ztime!
LilyCCC: Tisphreak..I did it...took me many years to get there...but I did it
TISPhreak: Lily, I am really glad to hear that ....you're a lucky person :o)
LilyCCC: Tisphreak, blessed and strong, no luck involved.
Wendy: Okay, thanks for sharing that, ztime.
TISPhreak: Wendy you were saying about an escape plan...is that always safe or a good idea?
Wendy: TISPhreak, I was talking about a safety plan. It's often when people are living with the person who is abusing them, important documents should be in a place where they can reach them, or you should have the nuumber of someone to call in an emergency
TISPhreak: Wendy, that's a good point to make
Wendy: the important thing is to stay safe and how to do that will delpend on your specific circumstances.
TISPhreak: yes, I agree
Wendy: Next question?
LilyCCC: Wendy, what would be the best place for a woman to go before she takes action...to know she is doing the right thing..?
Wendy: Lily... there are support groups in many counties, or you may want to talk to a counselor or a school counselor, or a parent. if it's a teen, or any adult you feel comfortable with.
Lindy18: have you been in an abusive relationship Wendy?
Wendy: Lindy I'm an attorney, and I've been working with young women trying to escape violent relationships since 1993.
Lindy18: did you escape yet?
LilyCCC: Lindy, Wendy is an attorney. She is not in an abusive relationship.
LilyCCC: Wendy....another concern- a girl or woman may have money and property that she has put into the relationship. She may need it back to survive.....is that possible, ease to do?
TISPhreak: Lily, that can get sticky i'm sure
Wendy: Lily, you could get restitution in court, and if you've been married you may be entitled to money if you go to court. But the most important thing to be concerned about is your physical safety. Consult an attorney regarding financial matters.
TISPhreak: Wendy, couldn't agree more
LilyCCC: Thanks Wendy!
TISPhreak: you were saying that physical safety is important, and I know you're an attorney. Do you think involving the police or an attorney is the FIRST thing someone should do?
Wendy: TISPhreak, it's hard to say what the first thing is, but if a person is in immediate danger, you should call the police. and get to safe shelter
LilyCCC: Indeed Wendy.
TISPhreak: yes
Wendy: Often it is easier to obtain a restraining order if police reports have been made.
Lindy18: LilyCCC--- how are you involved in abuse?
LilyCCC: Lindy, I was in an abusive marriage for many years. I have been out 3 years now
Lindy18: wow! Are you ok now?
LilyCCC: Lindy, I am a complete nut, but otherwise I am healing nicely. Being a nut is a good thing.,
HawkTIS: What have been some of the more popular cases of abusive relationships? As far as celebrities or sports stars?
Wendy: Hawk, I think that the case involving OJ Simpson has brought the issue of domestic violence to most lpeople's attention for every famous case.. there are thousands of cases of domestic violence that nobody ever hears about.
LilyCCC: Wendy..exactly!!
HawkTIS: Would the case of Marv Albert be another?
Wendy: Hawk. I don't know enough about Marv to answer that, but he was certainly abusive in sexual relationships, if the allegations about him are true.
Lindy18: are you ok. now mentally? I am concerned
TISPhreak: LilyCCC, is there anything you could share with us from your experience that could apply?
LilyCCC: Lindy..yes...I have never been happier.
Lindy18: that is good
LilyCCC: Phreak- what did I learn? Tips I could give. No matter what- the number of kids involved- how badly you feel about yourself you can get out, and with help,you can bloom. And your kids can bloom, and you can live life fully and happily, and hopefully you can move on to help others.
Lindy18: I hope that never happens to me
TISPhreak: Lindy, so do we all. That's the good news
Lindy18: how old were you LilyCCC? in the relationship
LilyCCC: Lindy...23 when I married.
LilyCCC: Wendy..It is time to wrap it up for tonight! I want to thanks you so much for you info!
Wendy: Lily... one more thing it's important, especially for teens, to remember YOU aren't doing anything wrong. Don't be embarrassed. It's the abuser who should be embarrassed. ând don't be afraid to seek help from adults-
Lindy18: THANK YOU
TISPhreak: yes Wendy!!
LilyCCC: Yay Wendy!!!
Wendy: a teacher, a parent, a lawyer- the important thing to respect yourself and STAY SAFE! And if you are an abusive relationship don't be hard on yourself. You can always seek help now, and change your situation.
Wendy: Thanks, very much for having this chat room. It's an important subject and people need to be able to talk about it.
LilyCCC: Indeed Wendy!!!
LilyCCC: Thanks to all of you for your great input!!!
LilyCCC: Everyone help me in thanking Wendy!
TISPhreak: Wendy, yes....we were very glad you could be here with us :o)
Wendy: bye!
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