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The
hypocrisy of this school is so bad. If I
could, I'd be outta here in a hot minute.
Being 16 sucks. Can't drive, can't drink,
can't do anything. When I turn 18 I am
splitting from here so damn fast. Not like
my parents would even notice or anything.
Anyway,
this journal isn't supposed to be the
story of my life. So be "responsible" and
stick to the "important" stuff,
Chazz-ster!
I'm
supposed to be making a record of my
impressions about the English project,
which I couldn't give a @#$% about. It's
all so meaningless just like everything
else that passes for "learning" in this
school. (Nothing personal, Ms. Phipps.
This place isn't any worse than my last
school. Or the one before that.) It's just
that all schools waste kids' time. Nobody
can learn anything sitting on their butts
all day, pretending to be really
interested in listening to a bunch of old
fogies who haven't done anything real in
years, while the old guys pretend that
what they're saying is some kind of
revolutionary new thought. And the kids in
their classes are either frantically
taking notes, trying to figure out what's
going to be on tomorrow's meaningless test
OR staring into space and wishing they
were somewhere else right now doing
something real.
What
is education about, anyway? Aren't we
supposed to be preparing for the "real"
world, or something? But what do we get to
do instead? Make up a play, like in
preschool... dress up and pretend to be
somebody else. Nobody in this school has
the first clue about being their "real"
selves, so what can they possibly learn
about life pretending to be a bunch of
unreal characters that we made up in the
first place? It totally makes no sense.
But whenever I start thinking about the
stupidity of it all, I feel myself getting
all tense and closed up. And if I can, I
get on my board and fly away. But if I'm
in prison... I mean in school... I just
close my eyes and do some slow deep
breathing and inside my head I chant my
mantra..."Om mani padma hum." My friend
Cosmo taught it to me last summer, right
before I moved. He said it means "The
Jewel in the Lotus"... Like the purest,
realist part of who I am... right there,
in the very center of my being. And no
matter how weirded out I get, when I chant
it, I get right there. And words work like
the most powerful laser, busting through
all the walls I put up to protect myself
from all this crap around me. That's why I
need to chant, to myself of course, that's
the only thing, in addition to being on my
board, of course, that gets me to my
essence and makes me feel
alive.
Becca
and Dee had this fight about who had a
better idea for the play. They got all
worked up about it. Miguel didn't really
say how he felt... and me... I couldn't
care less. It's all a bunch of bull.
It's
like "The Wasteland," this poem we read
last year.
"We
think of the key, each in his
prison,
thinking
of the key,
each
confirms a prison."
That's
what this place is, a prison. In a total
wasteland.
I
passed Becca in the hall after lunch...
she looked at me like maybe she knew I
didn't really mean to vote against her. I
don't know.
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