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Beyond Alice
by Skye, 14
SuprSky182@aol.com
My older sister, Alice was every
parent's dream, in fact, she was every person's dream.
She was exquisite, in more ways than one. She looked
almost foreign, with her thick wavy hair, rich in color,
her incredibly shaped eyebrows and wide smile. Being only
15, Alice had the figure of a mature woman. Not only was
she beautiful, she was smart and popular too. My parents
would rejoice at the sight of her perfect test scores,
and extra credit projects. Alice has always been at the
top of her class. Her social life was full of many, many
friends and boys willing to so almost anything to win her
love. Our telephone rang off the hook with Alice's
friends calling to ask her advice or just to discuss the
latest gossip. I would see her walk confidently down the
halls of school, surrounded by many people, even teachers
were mesmerized by my sister's talent. She also had great
athletic ability. Her long, structured legs helped her
succeed on the basketball court and on the track team.
Overall, my older sister was a star. And I was everything
but. Most of my life I remained very much in Alice's
shadow. In a way, I liked it there, it was a comfortable
place to hide. No one ever expected anything of me and I
was often over-looked. And yet I adored my sister just as
all the others did. I remember spending hours looking at
myself in the body length mirror, in our bathroom. I
would stand on my tip-toes trying to reach her height. I
would push out my chest in hope of some sort of shape.
Maybe if I curled my hair, I'd think, or plucked my
eyebrows, or maybe if I wore lipstick, maybe then I would
be like Alice. But it was useless. As hard as I would try
the reflection in the mirror remained the same. And
everything about it seemed wrong. I was a meatless,
hipless, boobless 12-year-old. My hair was too short and
too straight, the freckles on my nose made me look much
too young and the gap between my teeth just wouldn't do.
As hard and as long as I would try, I would never be my
sister. Not only did we differ in appearance, I was also
Alice's complete opposite in everything else. I wasn't
nearly as bright as her. It would take me twice as long
to understand ideas or problems. I did have a few close
friends, but I was definitely not part of the popular
crowd. Of course I had crushes on boys, yet none of them
knew I was even alive. My athletic ability was also very
limited... I couldn't dive or do a decent cartwheel. I
was the younger sister of a teenage dream. And even
though as I looked at my sister with envious eyes and
unimaginable jealousy, I adored everything about her. I
would watch her move about the room, I'd study the things
she did and I'd memorize the things she'd say. It was
almost as though I was living with a celebrity, and I
guess, in my eyes, I was.
The next year, Alice went off to high
school and I began my 7th grade year. Things were very
different without my sister there at school with me. I
would no longer see her in the halls with her friends,
and I would no longer hear stories from my teachers about
my legendary sister. In a way I felt very much exposed. I
no longer had someone's shadow to follow in. I was faced
with people and a world. A world
outside my sister. One I had never explored. Alice was a
success in high school as well. It wasn't a surprise to
me when she became the girlfriend of a popular senior.
Because she has always been a favorite with the guys. Her
new life brought her many new friends, many new
experiences. Alice went to parties, and her life had now
become her boyfriend. It was a rare occasion to find her
at home, or spending time with us, her family. At first I
missed her very much. I missed tagging along with her and
learning from her. I missed the overall image of my older
sister. And as Alice changed and moved on, I realized how
well I knew her, and how little I knew myself. It was
then I began to understand how much of my life revolved
around Alice. I realized I spent so much time standing in
the shadow beside her, and I wasted so much energy trying
to make myself more like her, that I was missing out on
something totally great, something totally different --
myself. With Alice gone so much I started to think more
of other things. Around school I was no longer known as
"Alice's little sister," people were beginning to
recognize me for an actual person. And to me, that was
amazing. So I spent a lot of time that year focusing on
myself, my likes and dislikes, my friends, my appearance.
I developed some awesome friendships with people, that a
few months before, I would have been to shy to talk to. I
began to become more into music and writing. As Alice
continued her wonderfully exciting life as a high
schooler, I began my wonderful life discovering
myself.
Eventually I entered high school, and
oddly enough, like Alice, I became the girlfriend of a
senior. My sister was also a senior, and this would be
her last year living in my house. It wasn't strange at
all, going to the same school as her, we'd see each other
often, her with her friends, and me with mine. But this
time I felt confident in saying that I was her little
sister, because I knew that I would be recognized for a
lot more than just that. Alice's social life eventually
calmed down, but she was still strikingly beautiful and
smart and popular. But now she had a lot more to focus
on, because now she had her whole life ahead of her. One
day I went and looked in the mirror before going to bed.
I stared at my reflection. I was now a tall, slender,
fully matured 15 year old. I still had short, straight
hair and a freckled nose, but I saw something totally
different now. I saw satisfaction. I was not only
satisfied with my outside appearance but with my inside
appearance too. I was happy with the person I had become,
and I was happy to no longer look in the mirror and try
to fix unchangeable things, just to be like someone else.
Alice still remains a very important person in my life,
but in a different light. I don't think of her as a
celebrity but as a person. And we may still be complete
opposites, but this time I think I like it better that
way. My older sister is amazing and she is beautiful, but
I have realized that I too can be amazing and I too can
be beautiful, if I take the first step, by looking beyond
my sister, and truly looking at myself.
- February 1998 -
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