The Insite - Relationships

R E L A T I O N S H I P S:
Authority Figures

Conflict Resolution Strategies for teens and authority figures: There are bound to be conflicts between you and your teacher, coach, or your boss at work. It is very important that you learn to express yourself in ways that will be taken seriously while showing respect for a person in authority. Of course you don't want to be a "kiss up," but you may find that if you are tactful and careful with your words people will respond to you better, and you are more likely to get what you want and need.

The same ground rules apply (check the Conflict Resolution "ToolKit") if you want to resolve a conflict with an authority figure or with your little brother! Everyone wants to feel respected and listened to, so treat them the way you want to be treated. It's really very simple: when you are not upset or out of control, ask to speak to your teacher, employer, or coach. Ask them if you may tell your side of the story, and then let them tell theirs. Make sure you are listening to the other person and that they are really listening to you. If this doesn't work, try writing a letter to your boss, teacher,or coach, stating your position, what your part in the conflict is, what you will do differently next time, and what you would like to see happen in the future. Try to make the letter non-threatening, and non-judgmental without watering down your point! So instead of blaming your boss for how he always takes advantage of you, you could say that you feel like he doesn't value you when he asks you to leave early every Saturday afternoon and wash his car. "I feel" statements work a lot better than accusations!

I Get Really Nervous Whenever I Talk to My Boss

It's your second week on the job and you just got called into the boss' office. An icy feeling of dread creeps over you. Adrenalin starts pumping, your hands are clammy, your heart's racing... "Ohmigod! What did I do wrong?"

Ever wonder why sometimes it's so scary to talk to a person in authority? What are you afraid of? Authority figures have some sort of power over you, and what these people say or do might have a long term affect on your future (your boss could fire you, your teacher could give you a bad grade, your coach could cut you from the team, etc.). In your mind, this translates to a possible threat to your well being, or even your very "survival." Whenever you perceive any type of threat, fear or anxiety is a normal reaction.

So, how can you deal with these feelings without coming off like a scared rabbit in front of an AF (authority figure)?

What to do:

Acknowledge the fear to yourself. Realize it's a natural reaction to a real or imagined threat.
Have a "practice" conversation. This works if you have something you want to talk to your AF about, like asking for a raise, or an extension on a term paper. You can practice with a friend (have your friend play the role of the AF), or on your own:
- Place an empty chair in front of you
- Imagine the AF seated in the chair
- Begin talking to him/her. You can say anything you want, even the things you'd never say in real life.
- When it's time for the AF to speak, get up and sit in his/her chair and answer as if you were the AF.
Continue practicing until you feel more at ease. It really works!
Make a list of what can happen. Imagine the worst thing your AF could do. Maybe it's firing you. OK, so what might it be like to leave this job and get another one? If that happened, you might even end up with the best boss in the world! This list should also include some of the best things that could possibly happen as the result of your meeting. Look at each possibility and realize that while the outcome may change your life, it may not actually change it in a bad way.

Remember that it is important to question authority but that you have to be careful how you do it!

R E L A T I O N S H I P S

Got a question? Write to Hey, Terra!