The Insite - Relationships

R E L A T I O N S H I P S:
Blended Families

His/ hers, ours and theirs.

Where Did Kids Come From?

When your mom or dad gets together with someone who already has kids and you all end up living together some or all of the time you've got a blended family. This may sound like fun at first depending on the ages of your step brothers/sisters. (Who wouldn't want all those potential "friends" living under one roof?), and may turn out to be great fun and a tremendous learning experience for everyone. But it may also be very complicated.

You've got to negotiate everything. Like:

Who gets what room?
Who's first in the bathroom in the morning?
How do you share the TV, computer, telephone, chores?

There seems like an endless number of things to negotiate here, but start with the small ones (like which side of the garage do I park my bike?), and work your way up. If you are having a hard time and feeling stressed with all these changes, take a break, go somewhere private, and try some centering exercises. After you've calmed down, you'll be in better shape to start negotiating again.

Respectful Tolerance.

If it turns out you don't like one of the other "kids," you're going to have to learn to live peacefully together anyway. The best policy is to have everyone agree to treat each other with respect. There should be no pressure or expectation for a perfect loving family that always smiles and does everything together. Make sure everyone has their own space. This really helps. Privacy is always important, and now it probably means even more to you.

Use Your Communication Skills!

You want to create the most peaceful blended family possible (considering each personality that is involved). After all, you live here (even if it is only part of the time!). To get what you want and need you have to be able to talk to everyone and hear each other. Your communication skills are really important now (check out the Conflict Resolution "ToolKit" - for valuable tips on keeping the peace).

Family meetings will help if they are attended by all and if people listen to each other. Suggest that there are ground rules about listening, not interrupting, not blaming, and being respectful.

Need to Talk?

Many people find it helps to talk to someone outside the family about the difficulty and stress of their situation. Lots of family therapists, counselors, and mental health professionals specialize in the issues around divorce and family transitions. Sometimes the outside opinion and support they give can help you understand your unique situation and help you make choices that work best for you.

R E L A T I O N S H I P S

Got a question?
Write to Hey Terra!