The Insite - Relationships

R E L A T I O N S H I P S:
Shared Custody

You used to all live together, and now you don't.
That takes a lot of getting used to!

Magic Formula for Success?

Unfortunately there is no one best way, guaranteed, for handling shared custody (spending part of the time living with each parent in a different location). It's really a system that families have to work out for themselves. You may be spending one week with Dad and one week with Mom. Or the whole summer just with Dad. Or splitting up each week in some weird configuration that only makes sense to your parents. (Like every other Thursday plus Monday's and Saturday afternoons!) No matter what your new routine is, adjusting to it is potentially difficult for everyone.

Making it Easier on You!

It is hard to live in two places at once, for sure! One way of making shared custody easier on you is to have a space in each parent's house that is completely yours. Ideally, it should be your own bedroom. Or at least your own bed! Decorate your space with things you like. Keep all of your stuff together in that space so you feel more, well... together. As organized as you try to be there will be times when you are at one house and you will need things that are at the other place. Or you will forget to bring something with you that's important. You're going to be frustrated by not having all of your stuff where you want it, but you're going to have to learn to cope. Centering is really helpful at times like this.

Avoid Conflicts with Your Parents.

We know you're going through hard times, but you should be aware that your parents aren't enjoying this whole situation much either. So cut them some slack. Here are some tips for keeping peace in the house:

"Check in" with each parent shortly after you arrive at their house.

Tell them about your personal plans for your time there. (Like visiting or going out with friends.)

Find out about their expectations for your visit. (Like any chores they have in mind for you, or times they want to spend with you.)

Remember: This is a tricky balancing act. On the one hand, you want, need, and have a right to your own life. On the other hand, your parents aren't seeing as much of you as they used to, so they may be feeling more possessive of their time with you. Like we said, it's a balancing act.

Need to Talk?

Many people find it helps to talk to someone outside the family about the difficulty and stress of their situation. Lots of family therapists, counselors, and mental health professionals specialize in the issues around divorce and family transitions. Sometimes the outside opinion and support they give can help you understand your unique situation and help you make choices that work best for you.

R E L A T I O N S H I P S

Got a question? Write to Hey, Terra!