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At
school, everything seemed the same, my
friends, the stuff they were talking
about, who was going with who (well maybe
that had changed a little I
while was gone), but I felt so different.
Like a huge part of me just didn't belong
there anymore. Like I was watching a
movie, and these people, who used to be so
important to be me, were just part of the
scenery and I was walking through the
whole thing.
I
didn't feel like flirting. I didn't feel
like hearing all the stupid boring
gossip.
At
lunch, I was sitting with Carin and Suzie
and Laurel was there. And after about 10
or 15 minutes, Laurel says to me, "How
come you're not eating? Are you okay?" She
asked but I really didn't feel like she
cared, so I said, "Not really." And I got
up and went outside.
There's
this tree in the back of the school, not
far from the track and I stood underneath
it for a while. I looked up through the
branches. I squinted my eyes so that I was
focusing on the bits of sky that were in
between the leaves. They were like puzzle
pieces and you could see the blue coming
through in weird shapes. Then I opened my
eyes wide and then the leaves on the
lowest branches, closest to me, came into
focus.
I'm
starting to feel that everything in my
life is coming into focus in a new way. Is
that what happens when someone you love
dies? You start thinking about life and
what it all means? Wow. It's weird. I
mean, if I was to die, right now, who
would be sorry? Who would remember
anything about me? I haven't really done
anything that's worth remembering. Maybe
I'm just wasting my time? Maybe I'm
supposed to be doing something that has
some meaning. I have no idea what that
thing could be... not a clue. But maybe
that dream I had, about Grandma Webster
turning into a bird and flying away...
Maybe it had to do with freedom. I'm not
sure but I'd really like to find out.
Because the way I see things now, most of
the stuff my friends are into seems like a
major "So What?" And I'm finding it really
hard to relate.
When
the bell rang at the end of lunch I went
back inside and ran into Miguel, and since
we both had a free period, we went to the
library.
Maybe
it's because he was born in another
country, I dunno, but there's something
about him that I really like. He's got a
cool accent too!
He
was so sweet. He actually told me that he
was sorry to hear that my Grandma died.
Not one other person said that to me. It's
like they were afraid to bring it up or...
I dunno. I shouldn't dump on them. I'd
probably be the same way if someone's
grandparent died. I wouldn't know what to
say. But Miguel knew what to say! He told
me how awful he felt when his grandfather
died a few years ago. And somehow it made
me feel better, listening to him talk
about it. So I told him what the funeral
was like and how I felt looking down in
the coffin and seeing my Grandma's body.
And then Miguel told me about this holiday
they've got in Mexico, that he and his
family still celebrate even though most of
them live here now. It's called The Days
of the Dead. Every year the family gets
together and remembers people they loved
who died. Friends, relatives, even
ancestors from a long time ago. It's a
happy time everyone eats good food and
candy and remembers those friends and
relatives with love. While Miguel was
talking about it I could definitely see
why he loved this holiday so much. And it
made me want to celebrate my Grandmother's
love for me. Miguel said that during The
Days of the Dead, people light candles and
their light helps guide the spirit of the
dead person back home. He's lucky to have
that tradition in his culture and I was
thinking that maybe I could borrow a
little bit of it.
He
told me that I could make a shrine to my
Grandma. I could put together a bunch of
things that were special to her. My mom
gave me the journal Grandma Webster wrote
in when she was young. I think I'm going
to keep that journal in a special place,
next to the picture of me and her that Dad
took at my eighth grade graduation. And my
Aunt found a birthday card that I had made
for my Grandma when I was seven. The
writing is so pathetic, but kinda cute.
There's a picture of a big bird and a
little bird on the front and it says, "If
I was a bird I'd have a bird for a
Grandma". Then underneath that is a
picture of a big fish and a little fish
and it says, "If I were a fish, I'd have a
fish for a Grandma." Then you open it up
and it says, "But I'm not a bird or a
fish... I'm me and you are my Grandma.
Happy birthday, Grandma! Your
granddaughter, Dee"
And
there's a drawing of me and Grandma
Webster, smiling and holding hands. I'm
this little girl with braids and skinny
legs wearing this white blouse and red and
green plaid skirt. I remember that skirt!
We're holding hands and smiling and the
sun is shining right over our heads. And
there's flowers all around (I always liked
to draw flowers.) I was glad that my aunt
had found it. It's also amazing that my
Grandma saved it all these years. I think
I'll put that card in with the other
things in my Grandma's shrine.
Oh,
one other thing! I almost forgot. Miguel
asked me out!
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